plaid

i found that jacket, but it hasn't changed my life yet. maybe tomorrow. at least, i didn't buy anything new, made of synthetic fabrics, or from a giant corporation. instead i bought from a high-end vintage store where they treat you well and the clothes are already dry-cleaned and actually smell good. it was expensive-ish, even on sell, but it's my money right? i mean the government's money. i mean my credit card company's money. I just wanted it. Something to do. Why do I have justify it? But now Indian summer is here so I won't see it again for six months.
Victor cooked so much food, six different vegetarian dishes from Spain. It goes on for a while eating and talking and drinking. it's nice. i get horny at some point during the meal, but then it passes and by the time that it's time for sex I sort of just want to go home. but i guess this is how people do things. eat huge meals and then have sex? i don't know about that. he probably doesn't always cook six-course meals. maybe we'll just eat macaroni salad next time and fuck over the dining table. i feel sort of un-excited about the whole thing, but that's probably not a bad thing. it may be fabulous thing. when i get excited about a guy it's usually because i'm hoping he will save me from oblivion. but they're never interested in saving me. i can't relax, i'm anxious, i'm worrying. always. it's getting worse as i age. god, i'm aging now on top of everything else. i might have said this before, but here it goes,it's like dr. nina simone says, we're all gonna die and die like flies. i find this comforting. victor plays a joy division song for me before i go to get on that bus. he doesn't play love will tear us apart but still i can't stop singing love will tear us apart.