grungy

i want to sit down to read nietzsche and love it. i want to feel like, yes, this is exactly what i'm supposed to be doing. i'm so into this. instead, i don't read that shit at all. i think about doing twenty other things and sort of poke around at a few them. i finger them, you could say, just at the rim, never going too deep. i did go deep with my dessert though. today: beignets, pot de creme, and strawberry shortcake. yesterday: dulce de leche ice cream and a brownie. the best part is that i didn't pay for any of it. why is my neighborhood so quiet? and do i like it that way? maybe i'm becoming suburban. when i get off of bart at 16th and mission, i feel like running right back to the east bay where i can hear wind chimes and train whistles.

my education

the problem is not the cruisy bathroom. the problem is me. what a surprise. how many ways can i degrade myself? honey, i might as well lick the floor. i mean obviously that guy didn't want to have sex with me. or maybe he does? there's always that chance. it's been over a year since he cruised me, got my phone number, never called me and proceeded to ignore me every time i saw him after that, but when i saw him walk into the fourth floor bathroom, i couldn't stop myself from following him. he's everything that i lust after: straight, asian, and mean. even after he rolled his eyes and grunted when i came and stood by him at the urinal, i wanted him. wanted him more. wanted him to fuck me like dog. thankfully someone walked in and stopped me from further degrading myself, from becoming a stalker, from harassing this poor closeted soul. just to be clear, he cruised me first. i was walking down the hall after class, and he was full-on looking at my dick and i understand why because those pants are scandalously tight. i mean, the lady wanted it badly. so when he went into the bathroom, of course, i followed. and of course we got interrupted, but then he got my phone number and he lives in san leandro which made it all the more exciting. but then he never called. and that's why i degrade myself. again and again. maybe the problem is school and how i'm trying to make that the center, my raison d'etre, but it's so not working, so not where i want to be, but then i don't know where i want to be...

brilliant, if only, not even

If only I could stop worrying about what these bitches think, maybe I could be brilliant. And I don't even like these bitches, because they're bitches, and that's the really sad part. But the large coffee was good. I'm trying to save money, but fuck it, I need my 16 oz. And my carrot muffin, too. I got an A, and an A, and another A, but I still feel like I can't think, like I can't breathe, like I don't want to be here or anywhere. I could cry at any moment. Everything is fake. Maybe if I wear all pink I'll feel better. Toni still hasn't called me after three weeks. Should I call her, maybe she's not well? But if she wanted to talk I guess she would have called. Maybe I'll wait till next week. The people that you want to call you never do, and those other people always call. Like last night. I was spending my daily $23.67 at Whole Foods, thinking about eating and reading, and then Papito calls and we end up at Giant Burger getting shakes, chocolate for me and strawberry for him. Drinking our shakes at the park he honks his horn at a couple emerging from the bushes and I say stop it, just go, go, go!

i don't know

Dr. Thomas said blogs are dumb. But it's been a month and he still hasn't returned our papers, so what does he know. I went to the cruisy bathroom right after his class on Tuesday at 4:50pm, just like last Thursday, to see if it was busy, but no, it was dead, dead, dead. I'm going to try again on Thursday to see if I can figure out this mystery. I need my community!

venti screwdivers

The Gangway is a revelation, but the swarms of hipsters outside don't have a clue. They're lining up in the cold for the art show next door, while we slip into the warmth of Tenderloin decay. The crowd is divided between the elderly sitting at the bar and the kids on the makeshift dance floor in the back. There's so much to look at. It's my first time! And look I'm wearing my hat which is like being in disguise. Maybe I've never been to San Francisco before. Maybe I'm not even me. But first I've got to get my Absolut screwdriver and then I'll decide. Can you make it a Venti, please? Henri's disappointed because the queer metal/punk/alternative night is no longer going on. That's if it ever was to begin with, you know what I'm saying? We meet Venice and Jesus, and their sugar daddy. Venice wants to know where we usually go? We usually just stay at home, which is hilarious! He can't believe we haven't seen him at the Powerhouse because he's "hard to miss." But easy to "dismiss," I'd say. Love the eyeliner, but the attitude has got to go. I'm strangely attracted to the sugar daddy. He looks really sweet and I'm guessing he's probably abused and unloved by Venice and Jesus. I could love him better, but thankfully, I already got a job. The music wavers, the kids are a bore, and the regulars are just much too much. Thankfully, there's always the soma sleaze bars to fulfill a girl's dreams. And off we go...

everything i've ever wanted

finally, i see one my classmates in the cruisy bathroom at school. and he sees my ass when he looks under the stall. i'm sucking the guy in the stall on the other side through the state sanctioned glory hole. dried cum everywhere and i've got my face all in it. in fact, it's all i've ever wanted. pants down, ass in the air,knees on the cold tile, mouth wide open. five minutes ago i was in class trying to pay attention to different interpretations of Kakfa's The Trial. three hours ago i was in class with the guy in the other stall, the one who's looking at my ass, pretending to watch a movie about Butoh, but really i'm reading Persepolis but what i was really doing more than anything is thinking about sex, but not about sex in the bathrooms because it's usually totally dead. but then here i am in the bathroom and it's packed and my classmate is with me and it's beautiful.

krazy

leaves are in for spring. only $4.99 at H&M! i want to do more, but I can barely do what i'm already doing so there's not much time left. suddenly i'm horny so i e-mail that "hung asian top daddy" from craigslist that i've been ignoring for months. gil calls this morning and asks me if i'm horny, but i say no because i don't want to have sex with him again, or not right now away. after we had sex last time, he said he needed to teach me about sex. actually, i think i could teach him a few things, like wash you're feet first! but i mean we did meet in a public restroom, so he didn't really have time to wash up. then we went to whole foods. i felt self-conscious about the dried cum on my chin, but it's just whole foods. hold on, i'm checking craigslist again.