a happy hook-up

I was sure that Craigslist could bring me nothing but despair and regret, but then came perfection in hook-up form. I wasn't looking forward to it, thought about canceling, so absolutely no expectations, 1st point. I buzzed him in, short and stocky, cute, 2nd point. He said he was looking for a jack-off bud in his posting, which isn't really my thing but it sounded simple. Instead of getting right into jack-off mode, we kissed and there was what they call in the movies, chemistry, and score! Very unlike my date from a few days ago in which there was no chemistry. I tried, but couldn't get into it. I worried that I might need Viagra already, or just indulge those celibacy fantasies. I like him, let's call him Willcock, because he's funny and smart, not a typical castro clone, and a bit weird. He is a bit young though and probably very demanding in a relationship. He said he doesn't mind that I'm a "shim." If that's not chemistry, what is? I was almost getting there when he tried to dominate me, gaging me with his cock and spanking my ass. But then I would just have to laugh because I couldn't take it seriously. What's a shim to do?

introduce yourself

My worst fear, or at least in the Top 5: having to introduce myself in class. I had to do it twice today. It was fairly painless actually, but I still needed to run to the bathroom after and jump up and down and scream to let off the shame and adrenaline, I guess. I just can't deal with people looking at me, especially cute boys. How do I ever make it through a day? I tried to read the Iliad between classes but I can only concentrate for about three words at a time and then my mind wanders. I soothed myself with the new Of Montreal album: . On top of all this, I had a date tonight. I know, a date. He's sweet. A friend of a friend,

those black pants

First day of school, Spring'09, at not San Francisco worthy San Francisco State University. Why is it in middle of San Francisco's version of suburban hell? I get depressed every time I go out there and that's four times a week. Today I was actually feeling positive about it. It's all so familiar and not intimidating now. And I've found some spots with glimpses of beauty to hide out and escape the hipsters. I mean, c'mon, I'm a senior. So above that superficial style shit, right? Wrong. I'm really desperate for these black pants I saw at Dapper on Friday which were kind of scandalously tight, but the cut was amazing. They're not really practical, but I need something beyond practical to get me through these days. I hope they're still there. But who else could possibly wear them except me? I need those pants, I need them to say, I may be a dried-up old sissy, but I'm not giving up!

it's my life

I guess I can't blame it on oakland. I've always been lonely. Always, always, always. I'm aware that I'm making those choices, that I am the reason that I'm alone, but yet I can't break the pattern. Or maybe I'm not even lonely, but I feel lonely after looking at craigslist over and fucking over again, even when I fucking banned myself from that pointless shit! Aahhhh! My days off rarely ending up being the bliss that I imagine they will be when I'm at work. It's always the same what do I do with myself question. So many things I could/should be doing but I usually get nowhere. Today's accomplishments: removed year old lube stains from chair (yes!), hand washed the hand wash only blanket I got from ikea nine months ago but never washed and never used, got a set of dishes at goodwill for $3.99, enjoyed my walk and the scenery of oakland on my way, appreciated the sun even though I was too hot in my wool sweater, did my laundry, worked on carpet stains, finished reading Memories That Smell Like Gasoline, started reading The Child, cooked lentils, walked half-way around lake merritt, good neighbor interactions. Regrets: spent too much time looking at craigslist, checking e-mail hoping someone would want to hook up, called arthur that married guy who I don't even really like, that's how desperate I felt, didn't introduce myself to that guy who lives down the street who I've made eye contact with a couple of times and who seems interested in me and I don't know if I'm intested in him but he seems interesting. I did say hi though which is a step for me. I regret that I didn't read more enjoy more feel more happy feel more involved or why couldn't I do something meaningful whatever that means but my life has no pattern it's all mixed up and scatted and patched together. But oakland is lonely for me, so quiet, but I love it to I love for it's shabby desolation filled with so many surprises. The light at dusk turning the lake pink. In san francisco it's loneliness mixed with endless arrays of people who I don't want to see which could be even more lonely… m. called, can't plan for the movie because she never knows how exhausted she'll be but she is doing a book reading tomorrow curated by m.t. sounds like I should definitely go but I feel like I don't want to because of all the social stuff which is of course exactly why I should so maybe I'll just force myself …I will I must it's my life

17th street

God I really must be addicted to the internet. Or maybe I'm addicted to loneliness, because the internet makes me feel lonely. Why am I not doing something productive, something that contributes to the world. Because I'm lonely. 17th street is lonely, so quiet. I thought I was the most lonely person ever, but then I passed that old lady on the street. She was right out of central casting, I mean she really had that borderline homeless, borderline crazy look down pat. There she was on the corner of jackson and 17th, all hunched over talking to that black cat that's always around. That made me feel better. I bought some new shoes. The sales guy told me they were goat skin. I told him that was a turn off, but he didn't laugh.