thinking too much

Some days it feels like I should just stay at home. I know I should just stay at home but then if I just stay at home there must be something I'm missing so I go. To go anywhere, but nowhere good, meaningful, important. Coffee, reading-okay, good. Looking at clothes-okay right now that feels good, too. Wait, go back. The real problem is that I can't make a decision and what does that mean? Maybe I am autistic after all. But anyway, the decision of what am I going to do today is just overwhelming. Mattilda's going to see the sea lions at pier 39 for his birthday. He invited me a few days ago, but now I'm thinking that he probably doesn't really want me to go. He's going to be with two other friends, and oh my god, I can't deal with the social interaction. So maybe I should just stay in oakland and meet some guys from adam4adam, or maybe call Vincent, or Toni, or just stay in and read because it is really cold today. It takes me forever, and more than one try, but I finally I leave. And that's after an unexpected fuck with Arthur, the occasional fuck buddy who is probably married. It was hot, but that is never enough. So my decision is to delay my decision. Go to the city, the city, the city. I'll call crissy when I get there and see what he's doing. He doesn't answer so I just go to the chruch st. café and drink tea and read which is fine. then I call mattilda to try to figure out whether or not she really wants me to come. I still can't tell really. I sort of don't want to go, like it feels like a big effort-pier 39, new people, the cold, etc. Christian calls and I go over, a good distraction. He really brings out the queeny bitch inside of me or maybe that's the real me that's always hiding underneath, but either way I don't think I really like that side of me. But why don't I like it? It's kind of exhausting to be that way. It feels negative, maybe. And ultimately, pointless…. But fun and funny, though. I decide to go to pier 39. I take the f market from church street. Getting off at pier 39 is like stepping into the middle of middle america. It's freezing. As I'm walking by the water to the sea lions, a lesbian rides past me on her bike and I figure that must be one of mattilda's friends because what would she be doing down here otherwise, and I'm right. Part of me wants to turn back, but I'm trying to push myself to take chances with social interactions. It's okay, I talk a bit, here and there. I just hate the way I feel in groups. I can't communicate like that. I can barely communicate one on one. The dyke is nice. The guy from montreal is nice, too. He's a writer, and she's a photographer. I don't really know how to talk with mattilda with other people around. We usually just hang out alone and I guess he accepts my weirdness and I'm fine with that, privately. I make jokes and he does most of the talking. It's like an education. But in a group, it's like who are you, do I know you, what could we possibly have to say to each other? It's freezing. Part of me just wants to go home. Part of me wants whatever this moment will bring. Thankfully it brings a cab and then a restaurant. The food is good and the conversation is okay. I feel tired and autistic, in my own world. But I do participate a little in the conversation which is actually a change for me. And with mattilda who talks a lot, a little is okay. But now I really feel like I need to be at home in warmth and alone. It's like being with them somehow confirms my aloneness, like mattilda, my friend, is this person that I don't even really know and who doesn't know me and probably doesn't even like me, so I need to go home and be alone where I can truly feel comfortable, sort of. I mean, these are just thoughts that run through my head. I've never felt comfortable anywhere or with anyone-that's the thought that comes up-and I never will, and that's the really scary part. Everything's been pretending for survival, but survival for what? For this? Yes. Now I think, I'm here for education, that's it that's my focus, that's my reason for being here, but that's scary too because I hate the school I go to, and I don't know where my education is leading me and now it's summer and I'm underemployed and nothing to do expect be indecisive and feel depressed. I think I just need to read more. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, that's all there is.