walk on by

i'm sitting in the church street cafe. tired from walking all the way from 24th and Valencia, but excited about new purchases. ha! superficiality doesn't go away after turning 30, let me tell you! but a new wardrobe is part of my reinvention project so it has some meaning beyond meaningless shopping. and can we really escape consumerism in 2009? i don't think so, mama. but back to the cafe and more importantly, this neighborhood. this neighborhood is like flashback city, honey. there's that i guy i always see on campus with the big purse and for some reason is always giving me shade or thats what it feels like. he's looking at porn on his laptop right now. is that straight porn? i can't make it out from here. but watching the people go by on the street is much more interesting anyway. i'm drinking my coffee. the old ladies next my are talking about the word "mama" and its universality. i'm looking out the big windows. i feel okay. and then and then and then. there he is walking by. my ex-boyfriend. the one that i haven't seen in three years. the last time i saw i slammed the door in his face with a cigarette hanging out my mouth. that was when i lived in that crappy apartment on market street and had that horrible job and was still going to city college. i mouth the words oh my god. i laugh. there he is just like that. i don't feel anything but oh my god. he looks the same. same black hoodie. walking with a forty-ish white guy which is good because i have no pangs of jealousy. and then he's gone. oh my god. and then there's ron walking by and that guy that i almost had sex with on sixteen different occasions at blow buddies. i just couldn't decide. and then that other guy. i've got to get out of this neighborhood. where's that 22 Fillmore?

platinum cum dump

I went to see the film Sex Positive at the Roxie mainly to get out of the house. I was supposed to see it with mattilda but the timing wasn't right. Timing, timing, timing. So I went alone. But before that I stop at Whole Foods and spend $19.73 on dinner. Macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, pomegranate chana masala, tofu curry, and a dolma from the prepared foods bar, an acidophilus drink, a sweet and salty energy bar, and a gingerade kombucha. The movie depressed me more than I already was. I might never have unsafe sex again. Hell, I may never have sex again. I'm worried I aspirated some food into my lungs. Just had to throw that in. David Berkowitz invented safe sex in the early eighties as a response to AIDS. People thought he was crazy. Being gay meant you never had to use a condom. He also thinks that hiv is not the only factor that causes aids which leads him to classified as quack by some. He was an S/M hustler too. But he doesn't really want to focus on that. He gets really defensive talking about hustling and drugs at first but eventually opens up about it. Micheal Callen talks lists all of the STDs he's had and it's like every STD in existence and it's a little too close to home. I wince, I cringe. Syphillis, gonorheraa, shingella, giardia, claymidia-I can't spell them, but I know there horrible. He thinks having all of these diseases, taking antibotics, taking drugs, drinking, lack of sleep etc have led him and other gay to contracting AIDS. They call it the multi-theory factor which nobody in the mainstream believes in. When I walk out of the theatre I see Kyle. I'm already depressed, I don't that. But I don't think he saw me. He turned the corner on valencia otherwise I would have said hi to him even though he hasn't returned my call from three years ago. The last one where I said, kyle I can't believe you're not going to call me back. And he didn't. He looked very adult like. He must be like twenty-four now. He looks smart and employed and purposeful. Happy maybe. Then I'm thinking about how the last time I saw him on the street and how that was the last straw-I had to get out of san francisco. It was in the castro on 17th just past cala foods. I was walking with jeff and there he was walking past us. It just a flash but there he was. He was laughing I think. It felt like he was laughing at me. But maybe he was just happy to see me. It was a flash. He didn’t say hello. I looked back and he was laughing I think. Laughing at me for walking, for existing? Yes, I'm still existing even though you never called me back. I don't know, why but I know I just wanted to lay down and cry right then. But why? He's just a boy and so I am and if he wants to laugh or think that I'm a loser because I kept dropping my speech class well does it really matter? So now I'm in oakland. But I can't blame kyle. He went to stanford, he can't help but be an elitist cow.