burgeoning success through failure

failure is success. success is failure. failure through success. succeeding through failing. I wish I had never eaten his ass. I mean I never do that, but for some reason those three times that we hung out i wanted to, and did, eat it every time. there was something about his asshole, freshly shaved, that i wanted. it probably just means that i was just really attracted to him. But that's probably where I got it from which means that he has it, too. But he must be asymptomatic. when i ate him out (ha!) the first time he said, don't worry i washed everything. so he must conscious of what is and could be going on down there and i'm sure he wouldn't be knowingly spreading parasites. What a disaster that most every attempt at dating has been lately. and well, always. But this one, wow, I mean really a disaster. I thought it was mostly me before, but now it appears that he gave me a parasite. I should have just stayed at home. Again. It never would have worked out anyway. He's into houses, cars, success, labels. But he's an introvert which makes me think I could have loved him. Cute introverts really do it for me. Note to self: must retain sense of humor. There just seems like so many reasons why it doesn't make sense for me to pursue a relationship or even sex at this point. I keep telling people it's over, no more dating, no more sex. It's meant as a joke but it's also feels kind of true. It feels good at the moment to not be thinking about those things. Well, I mean I'm thinking about them, but to not be pursuing those experiences feels fine. But I'm probably just denying to myself what I really want/need. That's not necessarily a relationship, but it's definitely more, of something.
I said I was going to read Midlife Queer by Martin Duberman to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Stonewall. And I read it, or the first eighty pages. Alvin Ailey cruised for sex in public restrooms. That's best tidbit yet. Oh, and apparently Foucault praised gay men in the u.s. for creating the "first new form of sex in hundreds of years" with fist-fucking. I went to a gay shame thingy with mattilda. It was about de-centering the center to make it accessible to poor and marginalized people of the community instead of about making money. The demands they made and their manifesto seemed right on and inspiring, but it seemed to attract a very specific crowd that was as interested in fashion and being arty and cute as creating actual change. I've often thought of going to the Gay Shame meetings at Modern Times on Saturday afternoons, but I've always had to work on saturdays and now I'm glad I never went. Mattilda said there would only be like five people there. I wouldn't have anything to say. Never anything to say. Alice Walker says that when she went to Palestine with Code Pink she was surprised at how much talking all the Code Pink members were doing. She said sometimes it just better listen, to just be. Thank you for that Alice!