it's my life

I guess I can't blame it on oakland. I've always been lonely. Always, always, always. I'm aware that I'm making those choices, that I am the reason that I'm alone, but yet I can't break the pattern. Or maybe I'm not even lonely, but I feel lonely after looking at craigslist over and fucking over again, even when I fucking banned myself from that pointless shit! Aahhhh! My days off rarely ending up being the bliss that I imagine they will be when I'm at work. It's always the same what do I do with myself question. So many things I could/should be doing but I usually get nowhere. Today's accomplishments: removed year old lube stains from chair (yes!), hand washed the hand wash only blanket I got from ikea nine months ago but never washed and never used, got a set of dishes at goodwill for $3.99, enjoyed my walk and the scenery of oakland on my way, appreciated the sun even though I was too hot in my wool sweater, did my laundry, worked on carpet stains, finished reading Memories That Smell Like Gasoline, started reading The Child, cooked lentils, walked half-way around lake merritt, good neighbor interactions. Regrets: spent too much time looking at craigslist, checking e-mail hoping someone would want to hook up, called arthur that married guy who I don't even really like, that's how desperate I felt, didn't introduce myself to that guy who lives down the street who I've made eye contact with a couple of times and who seems interested in me and I don't know if I'm intested in him but he seems interesting. I did say hi though which is a step for me. I regret that I didn't read more enjoy more feel more happy feel more involved or why couldn't I do something meaningful whatever that means but my life has no pattern it's all mixed up and scatted and patched together. But oakland is lonely for me, so quiet, but I love it to I love for it's shabby desolation filled with so many surprises. The light at dusk turning the lake pink. In san francisco it's loneliness mixed with endless arrays of people who I don't want to see which could be even more lonely… m. called, can't plan for the movie because she never knows how exhausted she'll be but she is doing a book reading tomorrow curated by m.t. sounds like I should definitely go but I feel like I don't want to because of all the social stuff which is of course exactly why I should so maybe I'll just force myself …I will I must it's my life